Unhealthy French Cinema Half 6: Asterix and Obelix
Posted on Jul – 21 – 2022
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In a collection on dangerous French cinema, I couldn’t probably overlook the multitude of live-action diversifications of Franco-Belgian comics or bandes dessinées (BDs). Your typical BD is a slim hardback of espresso desk dimensions protecting all genres on any conceivable topic. Proudly owning one or a number of hundred is an indication of basic tradition. The mascot of this custom is a two-headed Janus with Hergé’s Belgian adventurer Tintin on one facet and René Goscinny and Albert Uderzo’s Asterix the Gaul on the opposite. When you’ve got by no means heard of Asterix, he’s a stocky little fellow who seems to be like an Aryan Mercury. He’s all the time discovered within the firm of his pal Obelix, who seems to be like what would consequence if Pippi Longstocking made candy, candy like to a seaside ball.
Their adventures are based mostly round one of many traditional themes of French historical past: Shedding a battle. The 12 months is 50 BCE, and Julius Caesar has conquered almost all of Gaul—modern-day France and some of its neighbors—as recorded in his celebrated primer for starting Latin college students, The Gallic Battle. The village of our ecdotically-named heroes is the one holdout. They’re able to defend their patch of territory due to a magic potion developed by the native druid, Panoramix, which provides the drinker super-strength for ten minutes. Tales that happen in and across the Gaulish village alternate with volumes the place Asterix and Obelix tour each nook of the traditional world.
Gaul could also be divided into three elements, however the live-action Asterix collection is split into 4 (quickly to be 5; there are additionally ten animated movies). Along with being dwell motion, the primary 4 movies are united by at the least one different factor, the casting of famend French actor Gerard Dépardieu within the position of Obelix.
Dépardieu (who received’t be returning for the fifth movie) will not be even essentially the most well-known actor to besmirch his title by showing in considered one of these. A complete lot of acquainted faces flip up right here—not solely tremendous well-known actors (and never simply French ones!) who can’t probably be this tough up for money, but additionally many alumni of this very column.
So, I suggest dividing my evaluation of every movie into two elements: “What the hell are you doing on this film?” for superstar appearances, and “I’m not joyful to see you” for many who have starred in a film beforehand lined on this column (and some who’re making their debut).
Asterix and Obelix Tackle Caesar (Astérix et Obélix contre César, Claude Zidi, 1999)
What the hell are you doing on this film?
The primary live-action Asterix movie (from the director of The Jackpot!) has essentially the most fundamental situation doable. Caesar (Gottfried John, dubbed) menaces the Gaulish village, and the Gauls resist. That’s it. For some purpose, the Romans communicate with exaggerated Italian accents as an alternative of traditionally correct British accents. This has much less to do with the equation Rome=Italy and extra to do, I believe, with the casting of Roberto “Pinocchio” Benigni within the position of Caesar’s aide de camp Lucius Detritus. What higher supply for a cartoon Italian accent than a cartoon Italian?
Detritus desires to be Caesar within the place of Caesar, and he takes over as the first antagonist as a result of the Asterix movies are reticent about making JC an all-out villain. Fact be advised, I wasn’t precisely joyful to see him both, however he’s in all probability essentially the most internationally well-known of the actors who seem on this movie. Why he selected to do that as his subsequent undertaking after Life is Stunning is a little bit of a head-scratcher.
I’m not joyful to see you
Dépardieu was a fixture as Obelix, however Asterix—you recognize, the putative foremost character—was a revolving door. Within the first two movies he’s performed by Christian Clavier of the comedy troupe Le Splendid. On this column we encountered Clavier because the patriarch of the Verneuil household within the Serial (Unhealthy) Weddings franchise. However Clavier is definitely a great actor—and a humorous one (see his work in 1993’s The Guests… however not in another movies in that franchise). Normally, he’s a welcome presence and fairly clearly the very best actor to tackle the position of Asterix. At about the identical time this movie was made, nevertheless, each Depardieu and Clavier starred in a top quality adaptation of Les Misérables (as, respectively, Jean Valjean and Thénardier), and, properly, Asterix and Obelix Tackle Caesar isn’t any Les Misérables.
Past the casting, my foremost recollections of this movie are that it’s obnoxiously loud and poorly paced. Unhealthy pacing is a mainstay of this collection, and a part of the issue is the collection custom of ending each story with an overextended banquet scene, on this case, one the place Obelix pines for his girl love Falbala (a daily within the BD who won’t ever once more seem within the movies), and Asterix cheers him up by bringing a whole legion of Roman fuckbois for him to beat up.
One other fixture of the Asterix movies—one within the collection’ favor, even—is the cornball particular results. These most frequently happen every time somebody takes the magic potion. First, there may be often a foolish, Looney Tunes response, then the Gauls go about punching Romans into the stratosphere.
Roberto Benigni will get this therapy close to the top of the movie, a lot to my delight. Caesar makes a pact with the Gauls, and, as we all know, he returned to Rome and lived fortunately ever after.
Asterix and Obelix: Mission Cleopatra (Astérix et Obélix: Mission Cléopâtre, Alain Chabat, 2002)
What the hell are you doing on this film?
The primary live-action Asterix was a monetary success, however the sequel not solely made financial institution however turned a cult traditional. That is, far and away, the very best of the 4, and no small a part of that’s giving the position of Cleopatra to la plus belle femme du monde, Monica Bellucci.
By way of Italian actors in French comedies, it is a large step up from Roberto Benigni. Marion Cotillard is slated to play Cleopatra within the fifth movie (which is about China!), and I can’t assist however consider that as a commerce down.
Caesar this time is performed by the movie’s director, Alain Chabat, presumably in order that he might give himself the route, “Make out with Monica Bellucci.” The story begins with a lovers’ quarrel, throughout which Cleopatra pledges to construct a palace for Caesar (a “Caesar’s Palace,” if you’ll) inside three months to claim the may of the Egyptians within the face of Rome. She assigns this process to somebody we’ve seen earlier than…
I’m not joyful to see you
Functionally, the protagonist of this movie is neither Asterix nor Obelix however the Egyptian architect Numérobis, performed by Jamel Debbouze.
He was the director (and star) of Animal Kingdom: Let’s Go Ape, in addition to the villain in Alad’2. I can’t shit on him too laborious as a result of, like Christian Clavier, I are likely to take pleasure in his performances, particularly when he performs a tragic sack. That is the case right here and emphatically not the case within the different two movies. Poor Numérobis learns that he can construct his palace in time if he can safe the Gauls’ magic potion to present the employees a lift. And so, fifteen minutes in, Asterix and Obelix are simply shoehorned into the plot.
I used to be much less joyful to see another French comics pop up, nevertheless briefly. Isabelle Nanty—Mrs. Tuche—seems as one thing of a union chief for the day laborers engaged on the palace. Chantal Lauby—Madame Verneuil from Serial (Unhealthy) Weddings—exhibits up briefly as a Roman spy making an attempt to decipher the key of the magic potion. Then we now have the character Caius Antivirus, whose face stuffed me with hate and revulsion.
I couldn’t work out why, after which it hit me.
It’s Jean-Paul Rouve. Sure, this movie has each Mr. and Mrs. Serial (Unhealthy) Weddings AND Mr. and Mrs. Tuche.
I haven’t stated an entire lot concerning the content material of the film, so right here’s a short rundown of its jokes. This film, from 2002, has a Titanic joke. It has a Star Wars joke. It has a joke about how the Sphinx misplaced its nostril. It has a Mona Lisa joke. Asterix falls in love with a servant woman named Guimieukis. On the finish of the film, he provides her a kiss. A combat between Jamel Debbouze and Gérard Darmon’s villainous Amonbofis (Lord, these names) is a pastiche of blaxploitation and/or kung-fu motion pictures. There are groanworthy needle drops, the final of which is a canopy of a Bangles tune. I received’t let you know which one.
All of which leads as much as the inevitable banquet scene, the place Caesar and Cleopatra do, the truth is, make out on display. Having bested Caesar, she maintains her independence from Roman rule and lives fortunately ever after.
Asterix on the Olympic Video games (Astérix aux Jeux Olympiques, Thomas Langmann and Frédéric Forestier, 2008)
What the hell are you doing on this film?
On the time of its launch, Asterix (however not Obelix) on the Olympic Video games was the costliest French movie of all time—the truth is, the costliest non-English movie. You’ll be able to see the place a few of that cash went. For instance, the man they employed to play Caesar.
That’s Alain Delon, star of such movies as The Leopard (1963) and Le Samouraï (1967). If you happen to didn’t know this, you could possibly intuit it from his opening monologue, by which he compares himself to a leopard and a samurai. This model of Caesar—uniquely in all of the live-action Asterixes—makes use of a salute that appears unnervingly like a Heil. He’s even within the behavior of claiming Ave moi! Not solely is {that a} shameless calque on Heil myself!, however it confirms my suspicion that the Romans are surrogate Nazis, and the entire Asterix mythos is about occupied France. However, if that’s the case, why do these tales all the time gentle pedal the Romans, and Caesar specifically?
For, as soon as once more, Caesar will not be the first antagonist. That honor goes to his “son” Brutus, a deliberate historic inaccuracy coming from the supply materials that I simply can not tolerate. Marcus Junius “Et tu?” Brutus was by no means Caesar’s son, even by adoption. Caesar did have an adoptive son who would make an incredible goal for satire, however I assume they couldn’t be fucked to make enjoyable of Octavius. Brutus is performed by Benoît Poelvoorde—the Man Bites Canine man, that Benoît Poelvoorde—and he’s trapped in a lame collection of gags the place he tries to homicide his “father” to no avail, since Caesar has beefeaters for all the pieces, and he’s even prepared to poison his personal leopard.
That silly impact, by the best way, is my favourite factor within the movie.
I’m not joyful to see you
Because it seems I used to be form of joyful to see Christian Clavier and Jamel Debbouze, it’s time for some new blood on this part. Apparently, after hiring Alain Delon, there wasn’t sufficient left within the coffers to retain Clavier as Asterix. As an alternative, we get Clovis Cornillac. Who? Precisely.
Asterix and Obelix are barely characters in their very own film. They’re right here to assist, Marx Brothers-style, a boring pair of lovers: their fellow Gaul Alafolix (Stéphane Rousseau) and the Greek princess Irina (Vanessa Hessler). Now, I can not consider two issues extra carefully related to historical Greece than monarchy and heterosexuality. A distant third may be the Olympic video games, which is how Alafolix plans to win Irina from the hand of her betrothed, Brutus (sigh). Regardless that the opening narration states it’s nonetheless 50 BCE, which isn’t the start of an Olympiad.
Earlier than lengthy, we’re launched to the panel of Greeks in command of the video games, and they’re headed by Élie Semoun.
It’s by sheer dumb luck that Élie Semoun has evaded these pages as a result of he’s a standby of dangerous French comedies, spearheading, for instance, the Ducobu franchise, which I might have simply included right here (it’s a BD adaptation, in any case). His shtick is that he talks very quietly and THEN YELLS AT YOU. IT’S VERY ANNOYING.
I’ll skip by means of the precise meat of this frankly boring movie and get to its banquet scene, which is someway the very best and worst half. Finest, as a result of it brings again Jamel Debbouze, who actually livens issues up. Sadly, he’s the car by which we’re handled to a string of graceless cameos by well-known athletes, together with footballer Zinedine Zidane and basketball participant Tony Parker. I really feel that they may have been put to raised use relatively than assist make this, the longest Asterix film, even longer. For instance, Zidane might have headbutted Brutus into the bottom, and Parker might have saddled as much as Princess Irina and advised her he was single.
The final scene exhibits Brutus on a slave galley. However no worries! He ultimately did kill Caesar, after which he lived fortunately ever after.
Asterix and Obelix: God Save Britannia (Astérix et Obélix: Au service de sa majesté, Laurent Tirard, 2012)
What the hell are you doing on this film?
A brand new movie, a brand new Caesar. They bought one other stylish actor, this time within the type of Fabrice Luchini, first seen crusing in direction of Britain with an unlimited fleet.
He begins tearing shit up, sparking panic within the capital of Londinium (Which was constructed by whom? What have the Romans ever accomplished for us?). We then reduce to the British monarch, Cordelia, the legendary queen talked about in The Historical past of the Kings of Britain. That guide is a pile of lies, however it made two essential contributions to world literature. It popularized this King Arthur fellow, and it’s the earliest attestation of the story of Cordelia’s father, King Lear. That she survived lengthy sufficient to turn out to be queen may be a shock to these acquainted solely with Shakespeare’s model, however that man had no respect for faux historical past. Neither does this movie, since Cordelia would have lived about eight centuries earlier than Caesar.
I’ve buried the lede. Cordelia is performed by Catherine fucking Deneuve.
As you may in all probability guess from this picture, this film is aggressively disinterested within the state of Britain circa the primary century BCE and extra fascinated by poking enjoyable at trendy Brits. The opening credit characteristic punk rock and a Union Jack, and I knew instantly that this one wasn’t for me.
Whereas this kind of anachronistic prodding at nationwide stereotypes is bread and butter for the Asterix BD, it’s the primary time it exhibits up within the motion pictures. In any case, Mission Cleopatra wasn’t about trendy Egypt, and Olympic Video games wasn’t about trendy Greece. And but right here we’re launched to a nation of effete, sex-averse, tea-drinking ninnies who need assistance from the Gauls to fend off Caesar’s invasion (for as soon as, he’s the principle villain). All of them communicate French with an affected English accent. It gave me some perception into how Germans and Russians should really feel after they watch Bond motion pictures.
I’m not joyful to see you
This film options three of my least favourite francophone actors, all of them in a facet plot that feels totally divorced from the principle characteristic (as a result of, the truth is, it’s based mostly on a special Asterix BD than the remainder of the movie). It entails the Norman invasion of Britain, and whereas that wouldn’t occur for properly over a millennium after this movie takes place, I’m nonetheless too mad concerning the Brutus factor to care.
First up, we now have Vincent Lacoste as Goudurix, the cowardly, womanizing Gaul that Asterix and Obelix are coaching to be a person. Lacoste is an honest actor, however he has a really punchable face. If you happen to put him and, say, Pierre Niney side-by-side, I’m unsure which of the 2 I’d punch first, however I’d undoubtedly punch him twice.
Subsequent up we now have Québécoise actress Charlotte Le Bon, whom I do know primarily from skits she carried out on Le Petit Journal, the place I discovered her vulgar. She has since gone on to turn out to be a full-time film actress, and this was her first film position. She performs Ophelia, an English woman seduced by Lacoste’s character after which caught by Normans (placing Caesar, Cordelia, and an Ophelia in the identical film may make this the largest Shakespeare crossover occasion of all time). Level: I stillhold plenty of ill-will in direction of her from these tv sketches. Counterpoint: She may be very handsome, so I assume I’m caught in a Frollo/Esmeralda state of affairs.
After which we now have Dany Boon as a Norman raider who’s captured and civilized by Le Bon’s Ophelia and her governess Miss Macintosh (Valérie Lemercier).
As with Élie Semoun, it’s a minor miracle that Dany Boon is barely exhibiting up for the primary time on this area. He’s the director and star of a number of broad comedies from 2008’s Welcome to the Sticks as much as final 12 months’s coronavirus dramedy Caught Collectively. I had contemplated dedicating a whole column to his work—he definitely deserves it—however I didn’t wish to waste any extra of my time eager about him, a lot much less watching his motion pictures.
All the section, throughout which Asterix and Obelix hardly seem, is a distraction and looks like a lot padding. Other than this, the one scene that caught my consideration is when Asterix comes face-to-face with Caesar, and the 2 males acknowledge for the primary time on this continuity-challenged collection that they’ve met earlier than, though neither of them is performed by an actor that had beforehand inhabited the position (Edouard Baer, who’s now Asterix, was a minor character in Mission Cleopatra).
Anyway, Asterix and Obelix save the day as soon as extra, there’s one other damnable banquet, and Cordelia lives fortunately ever after. So could you all.
Gavin McDowell is a Hoosier by start and French by adoption. He acquired his doctorate in “Languages, Historical past, and Literature of the Historic World from the Starting till Late Antiquity” and is presently investigating Aramaic translations of the Bible. He’s supremely unqualified to speak about movie. For extra of his unprovoked film opinions, see his Letterboxd account.
Unhealthy French Cinema Index
Half 1: French Movies with Well-known Remakes
Half 2: French Animation
Half 3: Serial (Unhealthy) Weddings
Half 4: Reside-Motion Fairy Tales
Half 5: The Tuche Household
Half 6: Asterix and Obelix